The Wall Had It Coming
by Alfie Watson
Summary: My best friend and I share some interesting texts when we're cold, tired, and/or stressed.  Crack John/Sherlock Slash
1. The Wall Had It Coming

**AN: **Ever since my best friend first figured out that a cabby was responsible for the murders in A Study in Pink immediately after the first suicide to which my comment was, "You figured that out after the first one? That's... brilliant.", my best friend and I occasionally adopt the personas of Sherlock Holmes and John Watson, respectively, from the BBC's Sherlock.

As such, for whatever reason, it seems that the more stressed out we get, the more we ship Sherlock and John in our texts. I went back through my phone records as far back as my computer had a log, to the very end of August, and copied all the substantial conversations we had in character while texting back and forth.

These are, in fact, real SMS messages exchanged between the two of us and not some sort of fanfiction I set about writing myself straightforward. I've denoted who's text message belongs to who by listing my best friend's texts with SH and mine with JW.

Without further ado, I present _The Wall Had It Coming._

* * *

><p>.<p>

* * *

><p>JW: SHERLOCK! We have an emergency!<p>

SH: What? What's going on?

JW: I'VE RUN OUT OF JAM! AND I'VE BEEN CAPTURED BY SOME CRAZY CHINESE PERFORMERS! AND SARAH... well, generally not very good things.

SH: UGH. I have to do everything for you, don't I?

JW: Yes, well, may I remind of the time I saved your life from the bloody awful cabby?

SH: I had it under control for the most part...

JW: No you didn't. You were going to take that pill.

SH: Well. I'm sure I chose the right one, you know.

* * *

><p>SH: I'm having cream tea and jam cakes. I'm stealing your bit, Watson.<p>

JW: You are, you cheeky bastard. Don't you have a crime to solve or something?

SH: Not today. It's so... boring.

JW: Well, I'm not covering for you if you take it out on the wall again.

SH: It's a little late for that.

JW: Oh, great. Now I've got to explain it to Mrs. Hudson again.

SH: Oh, as if I require explaining.

JW: ... Really?

SH: You seem surprised.

JW: ... Again, really?

SH: Well, what else do you expect me to do? No interesting homicides, not a theft. The wall seems like an appropriate option.

JW: I don't know, visit a museum? Watch the telly? Collect stamps?

SH: Boring.

JW: I don't know! It was just an idea! You could always try solving cases outside of London. Go on *clears throat* holiday. I was thinking of having Sarah over...

SH: I don't see why Sarah can't come by when I'm over, even if she is rather dull...

JW: Well, Sherlock, we sort of need to be alone..

SH: Oh. Do you really think she'd still be interested in you? Kidnapped on a first date, walking out after staying the night?

JW: Thanks, Sherlock. I hadn't figured that. You know, I'm trying to be optimistic about it all.

SH: You seem upset, John.

JW: Yeah, well, kidnapping, near-death experience, running out after staying the night, you know, not really how to win a girl over.

* * *

><p>SH: Bored.<p>

JW: Remember, the wall... is your friend.

SH: Too late.

JW: Oh damn. Well, you're the one with the money, Sherlock. So, guess who's paying for it this time?

SH: Hmph. Fine.

JW: Wait, what? Really? Yes! It worked!

SH: Just this once, though.

JW: Damn!

SH: You expect me to have to pay for being bored? That's society's fault, not my own.

JW: *sigh*

SH: Entertain me or the wall will once again be put at risk.

* * *

><p>JW: I IS SO ORGANIZED BRO.<p>

SH: YEAH YOU ARE.

JW: TOTES LIKE GOATS.

SH: No.

JW: What? Do you not like goats?

SH: To be honest, I have never once considered my opinion concerning goats.

JW: Well, maybe today is the day to change that.

SH: Okay.

JW: So then, why the objection to 'TOTES LIKE GOATS'? The goats are our friends, Sherlock.

SH: It seems I have been backed into the metaphorical corner for this one, for I have no answer.

JW: And so John wins an argument! Guess which idiot's treating for Chinese tonight?

SH: Hmph. I'm not an idiot. I take it you want, what, fried rice?

JW: And spring rolls too, if they've got any.

SH: Fine.

JW: *sigh* Do you want me to make the tea, then?

SH: Milk, no sugar please.

JW: Of course, of course. God, I spend too much time with you if I know how you take your tea.

SH: And it is time well spent.

JW: Right, because dead bodies are my thing too.

SH: Oh, you enjoy it.

JW: ... I'm not sure how to even begin to respond to that.

SH: A simple, 'Oh, right' would suffice.

JW: ...

SH: Oh, you're speechless! How wonderful!

JW: I hate you sometimes.

SH: No, you don't.

* * *

><p>SH: Bored.<p>

JW: OH GOD! SPARE THE WALL! SPARE THE WALL!

SH: Too late.

JW: It was so young!

SH: You waste your emotions on that wall. You really do.

JW: Oh cruel, cruel world...

SH: Oh, please.

JW: What has the world come to when walls, their plaster barely dry, are taken from this world by men who are simply "bored"?

SH: What has this world come to when ex-army doctors have wall care as their highest priority?

JW: Sarcasm, Sherlock. Sarcasm.

SH: Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, John.

JW: If you're going to be ornery, you can use your own phone for texting and you'll have to get up and get it yourself.

SH: Let me be the first to say that I am truly, honestly sorry...

JW: Mm, I thought so.

SH: Could you pass me my phone, then?

JW: UGH, fine. Here you go.

SH: Thanks. Could you put up some tea, too, by any chance?

JW: Needy, needy. I'm not your wife.

SH: You're close enough. Tea?

JW: The pot's on, give it a minute will you? ...Close enough? What on Earth are you implying?

SH: Hm? Oh, nothing.

JW: Really? Have been on Tumblr while I've been at work?

SH: TOTALLY.

JW: Oh God, it's corrupting you.

* * *

><p>JW: What else is happening?<p>

SH: It's... boring.

JW: Sadly, because you killed the wall yesterday, you don't have that option today.

SH: I'll find something...

JW: You'll be paying the bill this time...

SH: I think you mean Mycroft'll pay for it.

JW: Mycroft isn't going to cover your expenses forever.

SH: And he sure as hell won't leave me homeless and penniless either, but if you tell him I've said that I'll have to kill you.

JW: You won't kill me, even if I did tell him, and you are far from penniless. Seriously, we're still going on the money you got from the Blind Banker case.

* * *

><p>SH: John, I seem to have contracted a head cold of some kind. I assume you have some sort of remedy?<p>

JW: It involves jam-flavored soup...

* * *

><p>SH: Have you seen my riding crop?<p>

JW: Did you leave it in the mortuary?

SH: Possibly.

JW: Check there first. Unless it's in the bedroom...

SH: That... seems to be the most probable location.

JW: Oh God, did I leave the jam there too? Oh God.

SH: It's all over the place. You really must learn to clean up after yourself.

JW: Well if someone wouldn't get his hands in it, it wouldn't be such a problem.

SH: The sheets look like a crime scene. A lovely, delicious crime scene.

JW: Oh God, yes.

SH: Last time I think we scared Mycroft into shutting down surveillance. Care to try it again? I promise I'll be quieter this time.

JW: Really? I couldn't hear you over me.

SH: About that; Mrs. Hudson had some... complaints. Not that I have a problem with that or anything. You sound lovely.

JW: Well, I suppose if I have some jam in my mouth I won't make so much noise...You don't have a case tomorrow, right?

SH: I have other suggestions if you're looking for something else to put in your mouth, John. For experimental purposes, you see. It's for... a case, of sorts.

JW: OH GOD, YES.

* * *

><p>SH: JOHN. BAKER STREET. SOON AS YOU CAN. You can cancel your appointments at the surgery, this is for science.<p>

JW: Will it be dangerous?

SH: It will be if you don't hurry your arse up.

JW: I've called Sarah, I'm on my way.

SH: I'll be waiting by the kitchen counter, don't forget to pick up some, er, necessary supplies. I deduce we may be running low.

JW: DEDUCE ME, SEXY.

SH: I DEDUCE THAT YOU ARE A RAVISHING SEX KITTEN.

JW: UNF.

SH: OOH MISTER ARMY DOCTOR, OOH.

JW: DEDUCE THE HELL OUT OF ME RIGHT NOW WITH YOUR SEXY CONSULTING BODY.

SH: I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I WON'T EVEN BEGIN TO CORRECT WHAT WAS WRONG WITH THAT SENTENCE.

JW: I WANT TO FEEL LIKE THE PHONE YOU ALWAYS TEXT WITH.

SH: Abused and carelessly forgotten?

JW: ... No. YOU KILLED IT. I HATE YOU. I'M GOING TO EAT JAM AND MARINATE IN MY DEPRESSION.

SH: I would rather you marinate in the jam, to be quite honest.

JW: *does the lip lick while thinking*

SH: I knew you'd see things my way eventually.

JW: We won't be needing the room upstairs tonight...

SH: I don't think we'll even make it past the kitchen.

JW: Ooh, Sherlock...

SH: Ooh, Mister Army Doctor.

JW: Press the right buttons and make me vibrate. OH GOD, THAT IS- I'M SORRY.

SH: Something tells me I should be glad I don't understand anything.

JW: Oh well. Where were we?

SH: JAM AND RIDING CROPS.

JW: SEXY.

* * *

><p>SH: My deductions, they win.<p>

JW: Brilliant.

SH: Do you know you do that out loud?

JW: Sorry.

SH: No, no. It's fine. It's all fine.

JW: OF COURSE IT IS, SEXY.

SH: LOVE YOU TOO.

JW: LET'S BREAK OUT THE MILK AND JAM, SHALL WE?

SH: I DON'T KNOW IF THIS IS DELICIOUS OR SEXY.

JW: IT'S BOTH, YOU CONSULTING HOT BOD, YOU.

SH: TAKE ME, DOCTOR.

JW: *gratuitous, unnecessarily dramatic kissing with Sherlock with a milk mustache and John with jam lips*

* * *

><p>SH: Bored.<p>

JW: Shoot the wall again. I dare you.

SH: Are you trying to intimidate me, doctor? Adorable. How quaint.

JW: Ha ha, you are so kind.

SH: Aren't I, though?

JW: To dead bodies, maybe. We need more raspberry jam.

SH: What do you expect me to do about it?

JW: Buy some.

SH: Me? Go to the store?

JW: I SWEAR TO GOD, IF YOU DON'T GET THE JAM, I'M TOSSING ALL YOUR EXPERIMENTS.

SH: You wouldn't dare.

JW: I would.

SH: Well, the mould is starting to produce a rather unpleasant odor... I'll just have to do a repeat experiment.

JW: DAMN IT, SHERLOCK. I NEED THE JAM!

SH: What do I gain from this?

JW: I DON'T KNOW OR CARE. JAM. NOW!

SH: Oh, but you're so much fun when you get frustrated.

JW: I HATE YOU. PLEASE GET THE JAM?

SH: Only because you said please.

JW: Thank God.

SH: I expect some sort of compensation.

* * *

><p>JW: SHERLOCK, I NEED SOUP.<p>

SH: I would offer some, but I can't guarantee anything from the kitchen that isn't possibly poisoned.

JW: *sneeze sniffle groan, then shoots you sick puppy eyes*

SH: ...I'll make you tea.

JW: YAY.

SH: Tea cures all. Fact.

* * *

><p>SH: Tea! I require it!<p>

JW: You're an addict.

SH: I cannot deny that statement.

JW: Three patch problem?

SH: Precisely.

JW: That's brilliant.

SH: Do you know you do that out loud?

JW: Sorry.

SH: No, no. It's fine.

JW: So, have you deduced it yet?

SH: Deduced what, may I ask?

JW: THAT MY BODY IS READY.

SH: OH DOCTOR WATSON.

JW: FOR JAM.

SH: Well.

JW: AND YOUR FACE.

SH: Oh, DARLING.

JW: *eats yer face*

SH: Sexy.

JW: Very sexy.

SH: I love you.

* * *

><p>SH: Bored.<p>

JW: Take it out on the wall again. I dare you.

SH: Done.

JW: *drops experiments in dustbin* OOPS.

SH: You JERK.

JW: YOU jerk. YOU shot the wall AGAIN.

* * *

><p>SH: I feel that you are the only one who comprehends my complete joy. Three serial suicides! I mean, an old novel! It's christmas!<p>

JW: God, I love you. FANTASTIC.

SH: BRILLIANT.

JW: Not meretricious?

SH: It isn't New Year's.

JW: Oh, you're no fun.

SH: I'm more fun than a crime scene!

JW: You don't mean that. Nothing's more fun for you than a crime scene.

SH: Hanging with you is more fun than a crime scene.

JW: OH SHERLOCK~

SH: TAKE ME, JOHN.

JW: MY BODY IS READY.

SH: ... For jam?

JW: FOR YOU.

SH: OH, MY LOVE~

JW: *eats yer face*

SH: Oh, you're such a romantic~

* * *

><p>SH: John, there are costumed children congregating outside of Baker Street. What do I do?<p>

JW: Give them the candy in the bowl near the door. And try not to scare them.

SH: That was for them?

JW: Oh, you didn't...

SH: There was nothing in the fridge.

JW: Right, because your experiments take up all the space.

SH: No, because you don't buy food often enough.

JW: Well, it's not my fault the Chip & Pin machines hate me or that I never get paid for work because I'm always running off with you.

SH: Oh, like that's why. The children are growing in number, John. Help me!

JW: THROW THE CANDY AT THEM AND RUN!

SH: THERE. IS. NO. MORE. CANDY. HOW DO YOU NOT GET THIS?

JW: GIVE THEM FRUIT? What other food can you distribute?

SH: Is it fine if it's contaminated? Can't you pick something up?

JW: *sigh* Fine, I'll stop at Tesco's on my way home.

SH: Hurry. Children are... atrocious.

JW: I know; I have to deal with a grown-up one. I'm leaving in 15 minutes.

SH: I beg your pardon?

JW: You definitely are. I love you anyway, but you are.

SH: I... love you too?

JW: Of course!

* * *

><p>JW: DEDUCE ME WITH YOUR EYES.<p>

SH: You don't have to tell me twice, love.

JW: Sexy.

SH: Only for you.

JW: It's better than jam!

SH: You're better than jam.

JW: Thank you. I get so much practice now. I LOVE YOU, SHERLOCK HOLMES!

SH: JOHN, NO WORDS CAN DESCRIBE YOU, YOU WONDERFUL BEING.

JW: Really? I thought STUD pretty much covered me.

SH: Stud? You're too... mushy. Adorable. Yeah.

JW: Like kittens?

SH: Better than kittens.

JW: *melts* JOY!

SH: C'mere, you adorable little man.

JW: *super hug and buries face in purple shirt*

SH: Great, now I'm craving tea and my snuggly feety pajamas. Look what you've done. Jerk.

JW: It is my duty as your army doctor colleague to ensure this sort of reaction.

SH: You are amazing, and yet you've missed your cue.

JW: BITCH.

SH: I WIN.

JW: UGH, no milk for you. Go buy your own.

SH: What? No.

JW: Yes. Unless you cuddle with me, consulting detective.

SH: Snuggling and not having to get the milk myself? Looks like a win-win situation for me, doctor.

JW: Deduce me, Mr. Holmes.

* * *

><p>SH: Jerk.<p>

JW: Bitch.

SH: Love you too.

JW: More than four suicides and a note?

SH: More than that, plus jam.

JW: Oh, Sherlock!

SH: Yes, mon petit medecin militaire?

JW: You deduce me with your wit. Take me, detective!

SH: Absolutely, doctor. Where did my riding crop go?

JW: For me to know and you to find out.

SH: I'm a detective, I always find out.

JW: Oh, play the game a little, Sherlock.

SH: *sigh* Fiiinnne.

JW: ... Erm, I'm not actually sure how to proceed.

SH: I love you.

JW: Love you too.

* * *

><p>JW: Fabulous.<p>

SH: You're fabulous. I'm covering myself in jam and waiting for you.

JW: Did you remember your riding crop?

SH: I don't know, you've still got it hidden from me. But I will find it eventually.

JW: The game, Sherlock, is on.

SH: Oh? Very well then.

* * *

><p>SH: You lead an exciting life.<p>

JW: I see the battlefield.

SH: Only when I'm around.

JW: Exactly.

* * *

><p>SH: Did you know Holmes was to be fluent in French?<p>

JW: Well, you ARE Holmes, right?

SH: Je suppose, ouais. Êt vous etes mon petit médecin, Watson.

* * *

><p>JW: YOU'RE ON.<p>

SH: I WILL WIN.

JW: BRING IT ON.

SH: IT WILL BE BROUGHT.

JW: IS THAT SO, SHERLOCK HOLMES OF 221B BAKER STREET?

SH: IT MOST CERTAINLY IS, DOCTOR JOHN H. WATSON OF A SIMILAR ADDRESS.

JW: ARE YOU SURE? BECAUSE I DIDN'T GET THE MILK YET AND WE'RE NEARLY OUT.

SH: You fiend! I may very well need to get my riding crop now.

JW: Good, because I am packing SO much jam right now.

SH: Oh, really, dear?

JW: YES.

SH: I'm unsure of whether I should be terrified or smitten, to be honest.

JW: That is the quandary that is JOHN WATSON, M.D.

SH: *cue background explosions and sexyfine music*

* * *

><p>JW: Dear Sherlock, please will you make my essay go away?<p>

SH: For your sake, I may very well risk calling Jim...

JW: Dear God, if he can manage to strap a bomb to an ex-soldier, I think he can handle an essay.

SH: He'll pay for that, by the way.

JW: Can't have anyone threatening your boyfriend, can you? Ooh, I like it when you're protective.

SH: Oh, hush, you're making me blush.

JW: And he rhymes!

SH: Oh, you, you... person!

JW: Tonight, I'm thinking I put that boysenberry jam to good use?

SH: You know I'm at work now, don't you? It's hardly professional to start giggling like a loon at a crime scene.

JW: On the contrary, everything you do is professional including giggling at a crime scene.

SH: Love you, too.

JW: Yes, yes. My God am I sarcastic when I don't sleep.

SH: Perhaps you shouldn't wait up for me, I can wake you when I get home.

JW: Aw, aren't you sweet. Coming home to take care of your kitten.

SH: You adorable little man, you.

JW: YES. I THINK I'M ADORABLE.

SH: I deduce that you are the most brilliant man on the planet.

JW: I deduce that you want me.

SH: Excellent deduction, my good sir.

JW: I learned from the best.

SH: Oh, great, I'm blushing again.

JW: You're welcome, you handsome, purple-shirted devil, you.

SH: Ooh, I like that.

JW: Do you wear that shirt for me? Because you want favors? Because I will give you favors.

SH: Oh, God.

JW: OH GOD, YES.

SH: TAKE ME, DOCTOR WATSON.

JW: GLADLY.

* * *

><p>SH: It's fine.<p>

JW: It's ALL fine.

SH: Oh, you always know just what to say, darling.

JW: Oh, stop it, you're flattering me, love.

SH: Sorry, I can't help it sometimes.

JW: Like your ridiculous violin playing.

SH: I CAN play it well, I just choose not to.

JW: Right.

SH: Really, I can! I'll just have to show you sometime.

JW: Mm, yes. Show me everything.

SH: Darling, please, you're making me blush. Wait until we're home, at least.

JW: Can we spend the whole night up "reading" again?

SH: Oh, god, yes. I'll stop to pick up some jam on the way back.

JW: I love you. Really. I'm going to put on that jumper you like... and nothing else.

SH: Oh darling. You certainly know how to please me. We'll start with the riding crop.

JW: Ooh, I'm excited now. Hurry up and get back to the flat already. We won't need the room upstairs tonight.

SH: I'll hurry as fast as I can.

JW: Your kitten awaits you.

SH: Rawr~

JW: You deduce me, detective.

SH: Oh, hell, something's just come up. Double homicide. Where are you right now? I'll pick you up.

JW: At the office. Quickie before the adventure? Cases always get me all hot and bothered.

SH: Oh, John, I don't know if this can wait...

JW: Fine, but I'll expect more from you later.

SH: Of course.

* * *

><p>SH: Darling, I really do hate the rain.<p>

JW: Take an umbrella next time. Mycroft's got plenty; I'm sure you can borrow one of his.

SH: You say it like it's an easy thing to do. I'm not going to him for help.

JW: It is. He's your brother, and it's not help, it's an umbrella!

SH: Which is helpful.

JW: Your point? I can't have you come home with a cold.

SH: And I can't have you stuck at home taking care of me.

JW: Exactly, so will you please ask your brother for an umbrella? Do it for me?

SH: ...Fine. For you, though.

JW: Thanks, love. I'll count this a favor to you tonight.

SH: I'm looking forward to tonight, then.

JW: Me too; you owe me for earlier.

SH: Mmm, I didn't forget.

JW: Meow~

SH: Oh, sweetheart, please, I really shouldn't be so indecent when I'm at work. Although I would like to add, I am wearing that shirt you love. And it's soaked.

JW: Excuse me, I just spit out the milk I was drinking. You're teasing me now! Hurry up and get home, you scoundrel!

SH: Oh, my, we'll have to clean you up then, won't we? I'm on my way.

JW: I'll be waiting~

* * *

><p>JW: BOOOOORED.<p>

SH: Don't shoot the wall, that's my job.

* * *

><p>SH: BORED. BORED. BORED. BORED. BORED. BORED.<p>

JW: You already took it out on the wall, didn't you?

SH: Do I even have to bother with answering that?

JW: No, no, it's fine. It's all fine.

SH: It's ALWAYS fine.

SH: My apologies but, if I do not go to bed when I am tired, I become an insomniac, and then I play the violin at 4 am as revenge against my caffeinated flatmate.

JW: I wouldn't need caffeine if MY flatmate didn't keep me up all night "reading".

SH: Oh, is that how it is?

JW: Yes, it is.

SH: Oh no. You need help.

JW: I DO!

SH: Hmm, that's it. No reading tonight, I think.

JW: WHAT? NO! I could read SO FAST right now, "the book" won't even know what hit "it".

SH: And as appealing as it sounds, I still think the book could use a snuggle and a nap.

JW: FAST READING, then snuggle and nap.

SH: My, you are persistent tonight. Oh, dearest, I daresay I've upset you.

JW: Sorry, distracted. Brain scattered every which way. So, yes then? Yes?

SH: *sigh* If I must. For you, yes.

JW: YAAAAAAAAAAAY! *scene removed* WOW!

SH: Wow indeed. Just... We're getting you more coffee.

JW: Absolutely! *still panting* That was... BRILLIANT!

SH: 'Brilliant'?

JW: Did I say it out loud? Sorry!

SH: 'Sorry'? Oh, no, John, that's wonderful.

JW: Good. *yawn* Mmmm. *snuggles then falls asleep snoring*

* * *

><p>SH: Everything good on your end?<p>

JW: Yeah, I was chilling in a hot tub.

SH: That's sexy.

JW: And you should join me next time. I won't wear any pants.

SH: We talking British pants or American pants?

JW: British pants, obviously.

SH: You're brilliant.

JW: As are you, you stone-cold fox.

SH: Ooh, I do like the sound of that.

JW: Mr. Detective~!

SH: Oh, Doctor, please~

JW: Shall we "read", tonight?

SH: You know, I was hoping to get quite a bit of reading done tonight, yes.

* * *

><p>SH: Okay, now for bed. Bed is good. Good bed.<p>

JW: Indeed. I think, detective, you should consult me on it.

SH: I daresay I shall, Doctor.

JW: Deduce me with your body.

SH: Only, doctor, if I'm guaranteed a total examination prior.

JW: Oh? What sort of examination were you thinking of?

SH: Well, you see, I seem to get the strangest sensations when I think of you. Perhaps you could look into it?

JW: With pleasure, Sherlock.

* * *

><p>JW: Sherlock, I'm tired. Keep me motivated?<p>

SH: I'd love to. Well, I was thinking we could start with the riding crop...

JW: I hope you don't mean to lead me on like a horse, unless you mean the riding crop as a reward after the fact.

SH: Trust me, it'll be rewarding.

JW: Oooh, I'm quite motivated now, Sherlock. I hope you're prepared for how motivated I am.

SH: Mmm, I aim to please.

JW: Aren't I lucky?

SH: I'm not so sure, you're stuck with me.

JW: That's the way I want it.

SH: Well now you're just flattering me.

JW: Indeed I am, consulting detective.

SH: You're too kind, doctor.

JW: Not with what I'm about to do to you.

SH: Oh my.

JW: Exactly.

* * *

><p>JW: SHERLOCK, I'VE COVERED MYSELF IN JAM AND AM NOW SITTING ON THE COUCH NAKED WAITING FOR YOU.<p>

SH: Oh, dear, I just spilt tea all over the place... I'll be down in a second.

JW: Ah, good, you're not dead.

SH: Don't be so sure, you could very well have given me a heart attack then.

JW: Mm, a heart attack or something else~?

SH: Well, I'm no doctor, but I may require mouth-to-mouth.

JW: In my medical opinion, I think you do.

SH: Well, now, only a fool would argue with his doctor.

JW: OH, come here!

SH: Coming, coming!

JW: *passionate mouth-to-mouth*

* * *

><p>SH: Hm, I can't sleep, you should tell me a story.<p>

JW: Once there was a sad little ex-army doctor who wanted to live in London, but couldn't afford it on his army pension. Then he ran into his old mate from school who suggested someone he might be able to share a flat with him.

SH: And then?

JW: They went to a morgue where they met a strange man and his riding crop. The man was really smart and seemed to know everything about the doctor even though they had just met. His name was Sherlock Holmes, and he asked the doctor to look at a flat, #221B Baker Street, with him. At first, the doctor thought Sherlock was a little weird, but he knew the only consulting detective in the world saw things no one else could see. The doctor was amazed. "That's brilliant," he would say. Sherlock asked the doctor to come with him on a case because his intelligence was misunderstood and the forensics team didn't like to work with him.

SH: *Snuggles* Well, he sounds a bit boring, but I do like this army doctor fellow.

JW: The doctor had so much fun working with the brilliant detective. The detective deduced an important clue at the crime scene. "PINK!" he exclaimed, then ran off.

SH: How exciting.

JW: The doctor wasn't sure where he went, so he walked to the street to find a cab. Instead of cab, he was picked up by a mysterious man with an umbrella. The man with the umbrella offered the doctor lots of money to spy on Sherlock, but even though the doctor didn't have very much money, he turned down the offer because he wanted to protect the detective.

SH: Aww.

JW: So the man with the umbrella and his assistant brought him home. Sherlock had found a pink suitcase and asked the doctor to text a number. "Who did I text?" asked the doctor. The phone rang. "An innocent man would ignore a text like that, a guilty man would panic!" cried Sherlock excitedly. The pair sat in a restaurant across the street to watch the location where the doctor had texted the bad guy to go. While they were sitting at the table, the doctor wanted to know more about the detective. "Do you have a girlfriend?" asked the doctor. "Not really my area," said Sherlock. "Do you have a boyfriend? Which is fine by the way," wondered the doctor. "I know it's fine," asserted Sherlock. "So, you have a boyfriend?" "No," Sherlock said, "I consider myself married to my work."

SH: *has fallen asleep*

* * *

><p>SH: Stuffing my face. Unleashing the inner Mycroft. I don't know how you put up with me.<p>

JW: I put up with you because you are wonderful, even when you're Mycroft.

SH: You're too kind.

JW: I am. I should be harder on you about the diet.

SH: Just be happy I'm eating.

JW: I suppose you're right, since it seems there are weeks you seem to run on the power of tea alone.

SH: Never underestimate the power of tea.

JW: I will not.

SH: Good. Very good. Did you know that potatoes are simply marvelous with tea? I'm learning so much today.

JW: FABULOUS. I wonder if we still have pie...

SH: Save some for me, if you do.

JW: YES, OF COURSE.

SH: THANK YOU, DEAREST.

JW: NO PROBLEM, LOVE.

SH: Has anyone ever told you that you are simply amazing? Because it's true.

JW: Why, thank you. You certainly know how to flatter me, detective.

SH: I can't help it; it comes so easily to me.

* * *

><p>SH: Just bought several jugs of milk. I thought you should know.<p>

JW: Yes! I'm so proud!

SH: Yes. Just as planned.

JW: Planned? You made a plan? I'm even more proud!

SH: I know, it's shocking, isn't it?

JW: Very. I'm impressed! You must want something from me.

SH: Excellent deduction, doctor.

JW: I've been taught well. What is it you seek?

SH: Oh, nothing...

JW: I know perfectly well that you don't mean nothing.

SH: You know me all too well.

JW: But of course. So, what is it you really meant?

SH: I'm getting rather lonely here in the flat, I was wondering if you'd be heading home soon. I'm bored.

JW: If you haven't taken it out on the wall yet, I'll be home within the hour.

SH: Mm, good. I'l be waiting~

JW: Thinking of engaging in a little "reading" tonight?

SH: Oh, absolutely.

JW: Ooh, Sherlock, you're terrible~

SH: Oh, you love it, don't deny that.

JW: Mm, I won't.

SH: I hope you're not tired, John.

JW: I'm never too tired for reading.

SH: Well, now you're just taunting me! Get home now!

JW: I'm at the door. I trust you're wearing something to get me in the reading mood?

SH: I would put something on for you, but that would mean having to get dressed, and I really don't see the point in that if you're home already.

JW: Sorry, I just dropped my keys! I'll be in momentarily!

SH: Oh, here, I'll just pop downstairs and get you.

JW: OH. MY. GOD. I was, uh, *clears throat* Shall we get on with it then?

SH: I thought you'd never ask.

JW: *struggling to pull clothes off* Come here, Sherlock.

SH: You look like you could use some help...

JW: Would you mind?

SH: I'd be delighted.

JW: *passionate embrace despite arms still being tangled in jumper*

SH: *whisks his army doctor off to the bedroom*

* * *

><p>SH: Has anyone ever told you your face goes pink when you get flustered? It's really quite attractive.<p>

JW: I- what? Really? *blushes deeper* Well, I-

SH: *MUCHAS SMOOCHES*

JW: *is smooched* Sherlock, I'm so glad I met you.

SH: You took the words right out of my mouth.

JW: *more smooch time*

* * *

><p>JW: Sherlock, I've put the kettle on. Would you care for a cuppa?<p>

SH: Mm, I'd love one, actually, thanks.

JW: My pleasure.

SH: Ah, you're wonderful.

JW: My thoughts exactly last night.

SH: Shush, I'm getting embarrassed.

JW: Nothing to be embarrassed about, except maybe your climax face.

SH: I can't control the faces I make when you do that thing with your mouth, that's your fault.

JW: Oh? Which thing? You mean... this?

SH: Oh. Oh, my god.

JW: *pauses for a moment* You like it, don't you? But I still can't get over your face! *carries on*

SH: Oh, wow. Never change.

JW: *stops for a breath* I won't if you won't. I like your silly face. It's cute. *resumes*

SH: I would hardly call any of this 'cute', John. This has to stop; I'm going to wake the whole street!

JW: Wake them, then. Cute, sexy, it's all the same to me.

SH: Oh, dear, I don't know how much longer I can put this off for-

JW: Yes. Yes!

SH: John, I just-

JW: Relax, Sherlock.

SH: I don't know how you expect me to relax when you keep doing that!

JW: I want you to keep getting more excited in that case.

SH: You, you're terrible. Do you have any idea what you're doing to me? I bloody love you for it.

JW: Love you too, and baby, I love doing it to you.

SH: Oh, what would I do without you?

JW: I don't know, love. Probably mope about, talking to that bloody skull of yours.

SH: Well, then, aren't I lucky?

JW: Yes, you are.

SH: I love you.

JW: I love you too.

* * *

><p>SH: John, I'm cold. Stealing one of your jumpers. Hope you don't mind.<p>

JW: Course not, love. As long as you don't get any dead body debris on it.

SH: Thank you. But I'm not making any promises. Still freezing. I think I'll make tea, do you want some?

JW: Sherlock, don't you dare get anything on my jumper or so help me it will be your head in the fridge. Cuppa tea sounds lovely.

SH: It's amazing how you can be so terrifying, yet so adorable. You want jam and toast, too, or just the tea?

JW: Do you even need to ask about the jam?

SH: Oh, right, how could I forget? By the way, I see why you wear these so often, they're so comfortable.

JW: Aren't they? How's the tea coming?

SH: Done in a minute, hold on.

JW: Fantastic.

SH: Here you go, nice hot cuppa.

JW: Thanks, baby.

SH: Hm. No problem, darling.

JW: Mm, more reading may be in order tonight...

SH: Hm, I think we should stick with some light reading tonight, I'm a bit achy from yesterday...

JW: Sherlock, you're seducing me, the way you're sitting there. If you're still too sore from last night, would you like to do something like this morning?

SH: Oh, you know me far too well. I don't know what I'd be without you.

JW: Dead, because you're an idiot. But you're my idiot.

SH: Yes, because to everyone else I'm an insufferable genius. Thanks for that, the whole me-not-dying bit.

JW: My pleasure, now, let's see about you...

SH: Mm, yes. I believe thanks are in order for your tea, John? It's only the polite thing to do.

JW: Of course! A soldier always repays his debts. [time passes] Did you enjoy that Sherlock?

SH: Oh, absolutely.

JW: Well, that makes two of us.

SH: Mm, you are perfect, did you know?

* * *

><p>SH: John, I'm sorry, but in the scheme of things I seem to have misplaced your jumper...<p>

JW: Sherlock...

SH: Now John, before you get upset, remember you were rushing me! I kind of just chucked it off... to who knows where.

JW: Sherlock!

SH: I'm sorry! Really, really sorry! The sorriest! I would say it's a good thing, the jumper not being here. There's jam all over, it would have stained. We've really got to stop playing with our food... But I am sorry. I'll find it! Promise!

JW: Thank you and I guess you're right. But we should keep playing with our food. I like my jam.

SH: I'm beginning to enjoy it quite a bit myself, but you've made a mess of the afternoon tea I so lovingly made.

JW: Aw, but the mess was made lovingly too.

SH: Well, in its own way, yes.

JW: Come here, Sherlock. You are so fetching when you act like that.

SH: Hm, yes, sir.

JW: You are, without a doubt, the the biggest git I've ever met.

SH: I may have misheard the 'sexy genius' in that.

JW: I was getting to that! Oh, forget it. Let's get straight to the shagging.

SH: Darling, while I'm ecstatic that you're eager, you seem to have forgotten my earlier predicament...

JW: I haven't forgotten, I'm ignoring it. You can be sore all you want tomorrow.

SH: This wouldn't be a problem if you were easier on me, you know...

JW: How can I go easier when you have that ridiculous face exciting my passion?

SH: I still can't figure out how that turns you on. Not that I'm complaining.

JW: First off, you ARE complaining, but I forgive you because of what I'm about to do to you. And second, there must be something I do that is totally absurd to me, but endearing to you.

SH: You make these adorable little grunting noises when you get snuggled up; I live for that.

JW: Oh God, that? Really? THAT?

SH: Hush, it's precious.

JW: Tell you what, next time you make that face, I'll make those noises. Deal?

SH: I want at least ten more minutes of snuggling every day before you have work, and then it's a deal.

JW: I'll shake on that only if you promise to eat a proper breakfast. Maybe you wouldn't be sore if you had a few extra pounds cushioning you.

SH: Me? Gain weight? No.

JW: You. Are. A. Stick. Breakfast, every morning, or no snuggling sessions before I leave for work.

SH: You wouldn't dare!

JW: I would definitely dare.

SH: That's monstrous.

JW: Your lack of appetite is monstrous.

SH: I can't think on a full stomach; it slows me down!

JW: It's not a full stomach, it's breakfast. It's like the commercials for cereal say, to keep your mind sharp and focused, you need a good breakfast.

SH: They're commercials, they're supposed to make you want the product. *sigh* I'll eat, but not much. That's all you get.

JW: I'll take it! Now, where were we? Oh yes, I believe we were about to shag...

SH: Mmm, yes. But please be gentle.

JW: I'll try, but I can't promise anything. Especially since you seem to have misplaced my jumper.

SH: Oh, dear. Well, all right, come here.

JW: *passionate embrace, once again, not being very adept about removing clothes to do so*

SH: You're like a child! Here, let me help you with that... *yanks off jumper*

JW: *blushes* I am not! *undoes Sherlock's trouser's button*

SH: Someone's clearly not in the mood to take things slowly tonight, I see.

JW: Not when I think about how I won't be able to touch you at all tomorrow due to my workload.

SH: Ah, so it all starts to come together now. Very well, then.

JW: *le sexy time*

SH: Oh, John-

JW: *silly grunting noises*

SH: I bleeding love you.

JW: Love you too.

SH: John! I said gently!

JW: Sorry! Sorry! It's just- Oh, bugger. Slowing down... ... ... ... better?

SH: Much. Sorry, I-

JW: No, no, it's fine. ... ... ... I actually am sort of enjoying this pace. Your face stays screwed up longer.

SH: Oh, you're terrible!

JW: And by terrible, you mean absolutely the best.

SH: Oh, god, that too... You're amazing.

JW: I know. I get quite a lot of practice with you.

SH: Believe me, I know.

JW: Oh, stop it! You're making me blush again!

SH: Does that really matter right now!

JW: Yes! My blushing makes you more receptive, does it not?

SH: Point taken.

JW: *more silly grunting noises but more spaced out due to the slower pace*

SH: My, you are beautiful when you get like this.

JW: Keep complimenting me; it's a turn-on.

SH: You brilliant, amazing, sexy thing, you.

JW: *more le sexy time with grunting*

SH: Are you okay? You've gone bright red...

JW: Compliments. Blushing. Very, VERY turned on.

SH: That's stunning. Are you sure everything's okay?

JW: Fine! Fine! *le climax* Absolutely fine.

SH: That. Was. Wonderful. I'm not getting up tomorrow.

JW: While I snuggle up to you right now to catch my breath and fall asleep, I am going to envy your ability to do so.

* * *

><p>SH: Do you have any idea how difficult it was to get out of bed this morning?<p>

JW: Impossible, but worth it.

SH: Amazingly so. How's work coming along?

JW: Slow, very slow. I will try to finish as timely as possible to get home to you.

SH: Ah, thank you so much. No one's died in days, I'm getting bored.

JW: That's awful. You are awful, you know that?

SH: So I've been told.

JW: You're awfully brilliant as well.

SH: Mm, that's not what you said the other day. It's so BORING here, you have no idea.

JW: No? Were you expecting handsome genius? Watch some crap telly, I don't know.

SH: Something along those lines. It's all reruns! Why must life be so mundane?

JW: Because no one can compete with your massive intellect. Have you tried streaming something online? I'm sure you could figure that out.

SH: That would involve having to get up to get the laptop.

JW: Lazy arse. What about reading? Napping? Day-dreaming?

SH: Bo-ring. Where's your gun?

JW: Hidden. I don't feel like coming back from a long day of work to patch a wall.

SH: Oh, don't be like that. I think I'll go and find it.

JW: If you can get up to find my gun, you can get up for the computer.

SH: Yes, but now there's a more interesting option available.

JW: No, maybe you can find a game online that involves shooting a gun at a virtual wall of pixels. Same idea, no permanent damage to the wall and no lying to Mrs. Hudson about what happened to it.

SH: Boring. Not the same.

JW: You could probably even try different guns! Come on, please don't.

SH: Oh, all right.

JW: Thank you. I really appreciate. I'm going to be completely useless when I get home tonight.

SH: Oh, poor baby.

JW: *sigh* Got to support my jam habit, right?

SH: Right.

JW: Ha, thanks.

SH: Love you, too.

JW: Work is bloody terrible for keeping me from you.

SH: It's horrible, but it does put food on the tale.

JW: Which you neglect to eat.

SH: No, no! I am a man of my word. I had an apple this morning.

JW: Thank God. I'm pleased!

SH: I don't see what the point is, though. Eating is boring. Laying around is boring. Ugh.

JW: The point is you not reducing yourself to a twig. You and your boredom, maybe you should invent some new ways to "read".

SH: Mm, I may very well do so.

JW: Oh God, I'm looking forward to giving what you think of a shot.

SH: I wouldn't push your expectations. I may be clever, John, but creativity is not a strong suit.

JW: Mm, I'm sure if you put your mind to it, you'll think of something.

SH: Oops, Lestrade just called. Something's come up.

JW: Good, get out of the house for a bit. Relieve your boredom.

SH: Not entirely sure if it's worth getting up and dressed for, but I could use the air.

JW: Yes, go, go. The wall can be spared!

SH: Fiiine. Have you seen my favorite shirt? I can't find it anywhere.

JW: Really? Where'd you last have it?

SH: To be perfectly honest, I don't know... The plum coloured one? I can't remember the last time I saw it.

JW: Yes, yes, I know which shirt you were talking about. Um, check the wash maybe?

SH: We have a place for the wash?

JW: There's one for the building. Ask Mrs. Hudson where it is.

SH: Why must everything require me having to get up and do something? Ugghh.

JW: Well, if you're going out on a case, you have to get up anyway.

SH: Stop being logical. It's cold. The bed is warm. My logic says to stay in bed.

JW: You? Passing up a case? Are you sick?

SH: That, or I just feel overwhelmingly cold and lethargic today. Either way, I don't want to get up.

JW: I rue giving you a check-up.

SH: Oh, I'm not THAT bad.

JW: Well, if you're passing up a case, obviously you are.

SH: It's nothing, really. ...Do we have tissues anywhere?

JW: Oh no. In the bathroom. Oh God.

SH: I'm fine, I swear.

JW: Of course during my busiest week! *sigh* When I come home, I'll make you soup and a cuppa tea.

SH: You're the best.

JW: Thank you. I try.

SH: I'll repay you when I get better, I swear.

JW: Mm, I should hope so.

SH: I'm sleepy. When do you get out? I need a hug.

JW: Still not for quite a while, I'm afraid.

SH: Can't you tell them you've got to make a house call? Or do doctors not do that anymore?

JW: Not the kind of doctor I am and not for my pay, sorry. I'll try to finish quickly.

SH: Bleh.

JW: I would tell you to try and make something for yourself, but I'm afraid I don't trust you with the stove. Or any cooking apparatus.

SH: I know how to cook! Just because I don't do it often doesn't mean I don't know how.

JW: Well, yes, except last time you tried to cook anything other than toast, everyone had to clear the building because we'd thought you'd set it on fire.

SH: Was it really that bad?

JW: Yes, it was very bad!

SH: I'm sorry, John.

JW: It's alright, Sherlock.

* * *

><p>SH: Lunch.<p>

JW: YUM.

SH: Not really. I have no cash.

JW: So, you're not eating? SHERLOCK!

SH: It isn't intentional this time, I swear.

JW: Can't someone spot you for the day?

SH: I feel guilty asking for money.

JW: What? Why?

SH: I just do.

JW: Well I'm sure Molly would be happy to oblige you. When I swing by to pick you up from the morgue, I'll repay her for you.

SH: Thank you, darling.

JW: Not a problem, love.

SH: You're going to get me fat, you know that?

JW: You can't possibly be fat. Only less skinny.

SH: Says you.

JW: Says everyone. I think you could eat an entire cake every day for a week and still be thin as a rail.

SH: Cake every day? What am I, Mycroft?

JW: It was hypothetica- oh nevermind.

SH: If I don't maintain my figure, how can I intimidate Scotland Yard? I need that; they don't listen to me otherwise.

JW: You sounded a bit like a girl there.

SH: Well, shut up!

JW: I will not! It's hilarious!

SH: It definitely isn't.

JW: It most certainly is! Just because you don't find it funny doesn't change that.

SH: Well... you're short.

JW: What are you? 5, Sherlock?

SH: Possibly.

JW: God, you are such a child sometimes.

SH: I'm offended. Love you, too.

JW: Oh, you know it's true.

SH: Nonsense. I know everything, and that particular scrap of information has never crossed my mind.

JW: Know everything like you know how the solar system works?

SH: I know everything IMPORTANT.

JW: Of course you do.

SH: I do!

JW: Right, sure.

SH: I really do! Hmph.

JW: Yes, yes, of course.

SH: Now you're just making fun of me.

JW: No, no. Make fun of you? Absurd!

SH: Hush!

JW: Of course. I won't say another word. I'll be perfectly quiet, absolutely silent.

SH: No no no no, wait! I'm sorry!

JW: I accept your apology and so will continue our conversation.

SH: Thank you.

JW: You're welcome!

* * *

><p>SH: But get some sleep tonight, too!<p>

JW: Of course!

SH: Good.

JW: Must keep in tip-top shape for my consulting detective.

SH: Don't you know it.

JW: I do indeed.

SH: I eat regularly, you sleep regularly. That's our new deal.

JW: FINE.

SH: Don't be like that. If you're going to be stubborn about my eating habits, I'm going to be stubborn about your sleeping habits.

JW: I said fine!

SH: It doesn't sound fine. I worry about you, is all.

JW: I know you do. I'll sleep at a proper hour tonight, and in the morning, you'll eat your breakfast because I worry about you too.

SH: Very well, then.

JW: Come here, you!

SH: Mm, with pleasure.

JW: *le smoochy smoochy* You are such a pain in my arse, sometimes.

SH: *smooches* Where do I even begin with you being a pain in the arse?

JW: *more smooches* In bed.

SH: Don't tempt me; we promised you're going to bed at a proper hour.

JW: I know, I know. This weekend, though. Prepare yourself!

SH: Yes, I'm shivering with anticipation.

JW: I'll bet you are. *le ass slap* Right then, bed.

SH: *blushes* You're a feisty little thing, aren't you?

JW: Can't let you have all the fun, could I?

SH: Well, no, but...

JW: But... ?

SH: Ah, nothing. I bloody love you, is all.

JW: Well I bloody love you too.

SH: Right. Oh, you! You're distracting me! Bed, now, that's not a request. We made a deal.

JW: Ah, you've killed the mood. Fine, okay. Making my way into the bedroom. Alone.

SH: Oh, don't start... Okay, I'm coming.

JW: And the army doctor wins.

SH: Hush.

JW: Absolutely not.

SH: Fine, you win. Happy?

JW: I am.

SH: And you call me immature? I can hardly get you to bed without an argument or an incentive. I love you.

JW: Usually because I end up lying there for hours, wide awake... and the dreams. Thanks, though, love you too.

SH: Oh, dear, are you getting the dreams again? I thought they had stopped. John, I'm sorry.

JW: They came back. Not especially often, but enough. It's not the war this time, though. It's me getting to the school too late to stop you from taking that damned pill.

SH: Oh John...

JW: I worry about you.

SH: You really shouldn't.

JW: Yes, I should and I do.

SH: I'll try to be less reckless.

JW: You don't have to change, just remember, I'm always thinking about you.

SH: I may need you to remind me periodically.

JW: I will. Like right now. *le quick kissy*

SH: You're wonderful, you know that? You really are.

JW: Thank you, I try.

* * *

><p>SH: I'm soaked, but home now.<p>

JW: Well, that's good. Change into something dry or you'll get sick. Can't have that.

SH: Look at you, always looking out for me.

JW: Of course. It's part of my job.

SH: I am, may the information please you, eating, as well.

JW: It pleases me greatly and may, as such, be rewarded.

SH: I'm looking forward to it.

JW: I'll bet you are.

SH: I'm cold, making a cuppa. You want?

JW: Yes, please.

SH: Right, just a minute. Here you are, piping hot. Don't burn yourself.

JW: Ouch! Sorry. Maybe you can kiss it to make it better?

SH: *mwah* Not sure if that worked; I should double check.

JW: Yes, I think you should.

SH: Mm, come here, you.

JW: Oh detective, you rascal.

SH: *le kisses* I'm sorry, I can't help myself when you're around.

JW: *more le kisses* Same goes for me, love.

SH: Hm. You know, I don't think I want the tea anymore; I may have other means of keeping warm.

JW: Wait! Oh my God, put me down! Stop it! You're terrible!

SH: Never. *le smooches* You love it.

JW: I do! But, oh God, I'm blushing again!

SH: I know, it's the cutest.

JW: St-stop!

SH: Make me~

JW: *le kiss to shut up*

SH: *pulls away* Ah. Okay. Good, that was... brilliant. Come here. *le kisses*

JW: *places fingers so they are just brushing the hair above Sherlock's ears and keeps le kissing while Sherlock is still holding him up*

SH: *pants* Maybe we should take this upstairs. Your opinion, doctor?

JW: In my personal opinion, I think we should. Erm, my trousers are getting tight...

SH: I suppose the logical thing would be to relieve you of them; don't you?

JW: Logically, yes, except I'll be a bit cold without them. Unless you can think of another solution?

SH: Well, I'd be more than happy to oblige...

JW: *tries to pull jumper over his head and gets stuck* Damn it! Sherlock, do you think you could...?

SH: *wriggles into jumper* I don't know, I rather like it in here. Bit tight, though. I don't think I can get my head through, your chin's in my way.

JW: I can't move my head! But your head is... on my... chest and, Christ, get my trousers off, will you?

SH: *kisses* All right, all right, just a moment... *Hello le trouser button, meet hands. Let's get acquainted, eh?*

JW: *panting and waiting*

SH: Ah. One moment, it's getting stuffy in here. *slips head out of jumper for a breath, then slips head back in* Right, where was I? John, hold still!

JW: Course! Course.

SH: Right. John, lovely as you look in these trousers, they simply have to go.

JW: Yes, get them off already!

SH: Ah! So impatient! *tugs at trousers*

JW: I am! Get your head out of my sweater for a second I can kiss you.

SH: *pops up* Way ahead of you, love.

JW: *le kissy kissy* What about you? I think your trousers ought to find themselves elsewhere, too.

SH: Would you be a dear and fix that for me? I'm a bit preoccupied. *starts unbuttoning shirt*

JW: I'd be more than happy to oblige. *undoes button and slides around Sherlock's waist and slowly pulls pants off*

SH: *smooches* I assume we're not going to bother heading to the bedroom, then?

JW: Too far. *turns head gently towards him and more le smoochy*

SH: *pulls away* Right. John, couch. Now.

JW: Alright, I'm moving! You're so eager to have me tonight!

SH: Just because I'm not always vocal about it doesn't mean I'm not always eager, darling.

JW: Mm, you are too adorable.

SH: Stop it; that's my line.

JW: Not right now, is it? I wish to gaze at your form stretched beautifully across the length of the sofa, so entreat me. Please.

SH: Hm, with pleasure. *lays down* Ugh. This of course leads me to my earlier predicament. Get over here, I'm cold.

JW: Are you now? I'm a bit chilly myself, but I think I know how to fix it. *lays on top*

SH: Much better. *le kisses*

JW: *le sexy time*

SH: *yay smooches* I love you. *snuggles up and closes eyes*

JW: *strokes Sherlock's curly locks* Love you too.

SH: Um, John? Don't get me wrong, because I hate to ruin the moment, but I'm cramped. Bed? Please? You're going to get a good night's sleep.

JW: No, you're right. *gets up and stretches back* Just because I like sleeping with you doesn't mean I like sleeping on you. Too bony. *pokes Sherlock's side*

SH: I would have some witty retort, but you're comfy.

JW: I'm secretly a teddy bear.

SH: You're my teddy bear.

JW: Yes, I am. Definitely.

SH: *yawn* Good. Very good.

JW: Tired, love?

SH: Can you blame me, given the night I've had?

JW: No, I suppose not. Although I did take down the pace a notch. I see why you like it that way.

SH: Mm, thank you for that. *snuggles*

JW: You're welcome. *snuggles too*

SH: Now, I'm not sleeping 'til you do tonight.

JW: But you're sleeping face is so handsome. And sometimes you mumble. If I fall asleep before you, I'll miss that!

SH: Yes, but if I fall asleep, I won't know if you did. I won't be able to help if you have a dream, and I don't want that. I mumble? What? Really?

JW: *sigh* Alright. I like that you have such concern for my well-being. And yes, you do. Mostly about Mycroft to stop stealing your dessert, but sometimes... *laughs*

SH: *blushes* What?

JW: Well... *laughs again*

SH: What? Now I'm really curious!

JW: You really want to know?

SH: Yes! Stop taunting me!

JW: You sort of mumble things about us shagging. It's really adorable actually!

SH: Oh, God...

JW: No, it's fine!

SH: It's embarrassing!

JW: I find it endearing. You're so composed most of the time. It makes you more human, I guess. Less like a god.

SH: A god? Me?

JW: Sometimes, yes. But then we make love and I make you squeal, and that image shatters. Very hard for you to stay all aloof and cold when we're shagging.

SH: *blushes* You enjoy embarrassing me like this, don't you? Hmph. You try keeping composed during the best shagging ever; it's difficult!

JW: That was singularly the best compliment you've ever paid me.

SH: I was simply being honest, love.

JW: You were always very direct.

SH: That's me. Though I must say, you certainly aren't above being direct yourself, when it suits you.

JW: Well, when your body is at stake, why wouldn't I be?

SH: *blushes and shoves John lightly* Oh, shut up!

JW: Make me.

SH: *le shut up kiss*

JW: *le more passionate kiss*

SH: Mm. *pulls away* No. I'm supposed to be getting you to sleep, stop making it difficult for me. *quick kisses*

JW: Stick in the mud. Fine! I'll sleep!

SH: You'll thank me in the future, when you're well rested.

JW: And we have an excellent time of it later when I don't get too tired to try something especially kinky?

SH: Oh, certainly. I don't suppose you had anything in mind? Er, out of curiosity, you see...

JW: Not particularly at the moment. Why? Did you?

SH: Not specifically, but you certainly are making it difficult for me to be the voice of reason here. Now you see why I let you do it.

JW: Aw, you. I'll think of something devilish tomorrow.

SH: Well, there go my chances of going to sleep.

JW: Splendid!

SH: You did that on purpose!

JW: Maybe, maybe not.

SH: Hmph.

JW: You are so attractive when you're pouting.

SH: No. Not listening. Definitely not listening. Stop tempting me.

JW: I absolutely will not. *le kiss*

SH: *is kissed* You're making it difficult for me to be mad at you; stop it.

JW: Still not going to, but I will go to sleep like I promised so I'll settle for one more kiss; then I'll lay down for the night.

SH: *le big smooch* There. Sleep. *little kisses* Those were for good measure.

JW: Good night, Sherlock. I love you.

SH: I love you, John. And I'll be right here, I promise. Good night.

JW: I know you will.

SH: *forehead kiss*

JW: *smiles and closes eyes*

* * *

><p>JW: *yawns and stretches* Morning, Sherlock!<p>

SH: Morning, darling. Did you sleep well?

JW: Decent, not great.

SH: Oh, dear. Why?

JW: I really should go to sleep sooner.

SH: Really? I had no idea.

JW: Sarcasm! I'm too tired for that.

SH: Oh, you poor thing.

JW: *groan* I really need to stop doing this.

SH: You poor baby.

JW: No pity, I brought it on myself. No one to blame but me.

SH: I love you anyways.

JW: I love you too.

SH: You don't have work today, do you?

JW: No, I'm off, fortunately. Otherwise it might have been a repeat of that time we were up all night on the Blind Banker case trying to crack the cypher.

SH: Which means I get to keep you all to myself today. The Blind Banker? Where do you even get the names for these cases?

JW: I wish that were true, but Lestrade called after you fell asleep and it seems he requires your expertise on cracking a case.

SH: Ugh. What does he want now?

JW: I don't know. He just said it was important and you should go alone.

SH: Damn him, invading on my free time when I'm enjoying myself for once.

JW: I'm sure whatever it is, it's important, especially since he seems eager to speak to you without my usual tagging along.

SH: Hm, fine. But I won't like it.

JW: Yes, you will. You ALWAYS enjoy a case, no matter how obvious the solution seems to you.

SH: Yes, but I don't get to tote you along. If I go, will you promise me you'll get some rest?

JW: Of course. I'll take a nap right here on the sofa, so if I'm sleeping when you come home, you can see I've kept my promise.

SH: You promise me you'll stay safe?

JW: Yes, absolutely! I'm only going to be here in the flat. At most, I'm at risk of sleeping on my arm and making it all pins and needles.

SH: Fine.

JW: Alright. I'll see you shortly. Now to nap!

SH: Bye; love you.

JW: Love you too!

SH: *Dis bitch be totally walking along the Thames. Shame he forgot an umbrella 'cause he lives in England.* ... *rain* ... *heads home after insert whatever the hell happened happened*

JW: *John is snoring loudly on the couch*

SH: Oh, you're precious.

JW: *is still sleeping, mutters something unintelligible*

SH: *drops onto couch*

JW: AAAH! *wakes with a start*

SH: Hello, John.

JW: Uh, hi, Sherlock. *turns slightly pink*

SH: You're precious.

JW: And you're crushing my chest. Mind getting off before I suffocate?

SH: I don't know, you're pretty comfortable.

JW: Well, if you shift this way... and move your elbow... I MIGHT be able to get comfortable.

SH: Ugh, fine. *leans*

JW: Thanks, love. *le kiss*

SH: *mwah* How was your nap?

JW: Pleasant. What did Lestrade want to talk to you about?

SH: Ugh, the usual buggery. It was nothing. It started raining while I was out; it was the weirdest thing.

JW: The usual buggery? What's the usual buggery? Rain is not so unusual; we are, after all, in England.

SH: Open-and-shut domestic murder case. Bo-ring. It wasn't even all that difficult, but I suspect the government is tied in in some way, they wouldn't have needed me otherwise.

JW: What, like Mycroft was involved?

SH: I think so, yes. I didn't see him, though.

JW: Hm... odd.

SH: I know, it isn't his style to go to the Yard.

JW: Yes, I know. *sarcastic face thinking about previous encounters with Mycroft* Wonder what would've made him do that.

SH: I missed you.

JW: *strokes arm fondly* Missed you too.

SH: *yawn* You're never going to let me live this down, but... I'm hungry.

JW: Hungry for food or something else? *eyebrow raised*

SH: Well, now that you mention it, I would say both.

JW: This pleases me extraordinarily so. Jam, toast, bed, shag?

SH: Sounds like a plan.

JW: Fantastic! *struggles out from under Sherlock* I'll start on that toast!

SH: I honestly can't tell which you're more excited about; my wanting to eat or my wanting a shag. You're adorable, though.

JW: Equally ecstatic about both! You've put me in a wonderful mood!

*pops bread in toaster and proceeds to select jam and, in the moment, grabs other assorted sandwich items*

SH: Good. You being in a wonderful mood puts me in a wonderful mood.

JW: Ugh, stop, you're turning me on and I want you to eat first!

SH: I'll stop when you stop being so cute.

JW: Just get in here and eat quickly, damn it!

SH: Coming! *rolls off of couch*

JW: *licks some jam from cap of container off finger while laying out everything in a presentable manner*

SH: John, stop it, or I don't think I'll be able to hold still long enough for us to eat.

JW: Hm? *pulls finger out of his mouth with loud smack* Oh, sorry. *sheepish grin*

SH: I'm warning you, John, I am minutes away from upsetting this lovely little spread you've set out and dragging you upstairs.

JW: Okay, okay! It was an accident, but now I've learned a new turn-on for you. *sits down to eat toast with jam and motions for Sherlock to sit and eat too*

SH: *sits and glares at toast awkwardly* Right, sorry. *nibbles*

JW: You have to do better than that, Sherlock.

SH: *eats slowly*

JW: The faster you eat, the sooner we get to bed, you know.

SH: *gnaws at toast*

JW: *looks up and laughs*

SH: *pops last bit of toast into his mouth* What?

JW: Nothing. *finishes toast but gets some jam on his face*

SH: *leans over table and smooches* You're a messy eater.

JW: I- *goes scarlet*

SH: *kisses again* Sorry, I thought I missed some. False alarm.

JW: *somehow turns even more red* Finished? Good. Bed. Now.

SH: Your ears are bright red, this is too cute.

JW: I- I- *gets up and wraps arms around Sherlock from behind and buries face Sherlock's hair*

SH: *tilts head back* You. You're so sweet. Come on, upstairs.

JW: *kisses Sherlock's forehead* How did I ever get so lucky, Sherlock? I'll be right behind you. In more ways than one.

SH: *blushes*

JW: I much prefer it when you're the one blushing. *le grabby ass*

SH: John!

JW: Sorry! I'm excited! *they get to the room, John closes the door*

Out of pure curiosity, do you think Mrs. Hudson's caught on yet? I mean, she sort of thought something at the beginning...

SH: I'm sure she's heard us at some point in time. She's probably figured it out by now.

JW: I suppose, but should we make her absolutely positively certain tonight?

SH: You're horrible!

JW: That's not an answer.

SH: Yes. *tugs at scarf* Absolutely yes.

JW: *stands on toes to draw Sherlock down into a le kiss* Good.

SH: *runs his fingers down John's jaw* Mm.

JW: *shiver then starts le kissing down Sherlock's neck until he reaches the collarbone then, WHOOPS, is he undoing Sherlock's shirt buttons? Yes he is!*

SH: Oh. Oh, my God.

JW: Hold still for a second, I'm on the last one. *undoes and slides hands slowly around Sherlock's back, still making out with his collarbone*

SH: *shivers and clings to John's arms for a moment, but what is this! A new challenger has appeared! Begin round two: Sherlock v. The Jumper.*

JW: *simultaneously trying to tug Sherlock's shirt off his arms and SUCCESS! Shirt has fallen to floor. John manages to pull his arms out of the sleeves of his jumper but GASP! His head gets stuck on its way off!*

SH: I really don't understand how you get this on but can never get it off right, but it's cute. *Our hero has rescued his darling from the offending jumper, sliding it slowly over his head before tossing it across the room*

JW: *blushes* My ears. Definitely. Must be.

*starts unbuttoning his own shirt because he's a goddamn adult and can bloody well do it himself, damn it.*

SH: *kisses side of jaw just below John's ear, lightly tugging at the shirt collar because adult or not, John takes too long* Well, it's still cute.

JW: You're cute. *no longer in charge of removing his shirt, John's hands massage Sherlock's hip bones, too bony, but getting better, then accio at the detective's belt buckle and trouser button*

SH: Oh, hush. *pulls shirt off with one hand while the other slowly trails across John's chest, resting on his scar*

JW: I will not. *shivers then manhandles Sherlock so that the consulting detective is sitting on the edge of the bed where John moves his hands to either side of Sherlock's head like so, then le lip kissy*

SH: *kisses back, slowly leaning back while wrapping his arms around John's neck*

JW: *ROUND 3: John v. Sherlock's very tight pants. With the expertise and delicacy of a trained medical professional, Watson manages to pull the waist to Sherlock's knees! WATSON WINS!* Sherlock...

SH: *Is awkwardly preoccupied with attempting to kick his trousers completely off* Yes, John?

JW: I love you. *le super kiss and fumbles, but manages to undo own trouser button before grabbing hold of Sherlock's upper arms and pushing him onto his back*

SH: Hm, I love you too.

JW: *more le kissy that finds itself moving towards Sherlock's collarbone yet again* How... did I ever get... so lucky?

SH: Oh, god... I was just about to... to ask you the same.

JW: We really... ought to... send... some sort of... card... to Mike. *now le kissing reaches down Sherlock's chest to le kinky lick of Sherlock's... you know, rhymes with ripple. Saying it over text is awkward!*

SH: Hm. Later... We can worry about that later.

JW: Whatever... you say. *le sexy time*

SH: *pants* Right.

JW: *also le panting* Sherlock... SHERLOCK... that was AMAZING.

SH: You were amazing. God, we probably woke the whole street...

JW: Mrs. Hudson DEFINITELY knows now considering how loud you were screaming my name.

SH: It's going to be a bit awkward, leaving the flat tomorrow.

JW: Oh God, I'm probably going to have to ask Mrs. Hudson for some cover-up for my neck for work tomorrow. *groan*

SH: You can always take my scarf if you want.

JW: Because that's any less obvious? *sigh*I suppose, after tonight, I might as well...

SH: After tonight I really doubt we really need to worry about people figuring things out. Besides, it looks nice on you.

JW: God, I didn't mean to yell as so loud, but with your face! And thanks. Maybe I should lend you a jumper as sort of a "we're officially going public" gesture... *absent-mindedly stroking Sherlock's hair*

SH: John, I love you, but I'd feel silly showing up at the Yard in a cuddly jumper.

JW: But I'll feel bad. If I'm wearing your scarf, won't you get cold? I suppose I could lend you something else for the day. What about my black jacket?

SH: Then you'll get cold, though.

JW: I'm trying to think of something for you. *kisses forehead* Bear with me here.

SH: Can't I just bring you around with me?

JW: *chuckles* Well, yes, I guess. But about while I'm at work?

SH: Um. Fine. I, Sherlock Holmes, will wear your snuggly jumper.

JW: *le smoochy* Splendid.

SH: Now scooch over. *snuggles* I'm freezing.

JW: *scooches and wraps arms around Sherlock protectively* Come here, you.

SH: You're warm!

JW: Of course I'm warm after THAT! *kisses forehead again*

SH: Oh, right. That's logical.

JW: You're such an idiot sometimes. *looks into eyes and strokes hair just behind Sherlock's ear*

SH: Yes, but I'm your idiot. *closes eyes*

JW: Yes, you are. *closes eyes and rubs noses together*


	2. The Wall Had It Coming  AU's

**Vampire!Sherlock and Werewolf!John (Sarcastic):**

SH: JOHN. I MUST SUCK YOUR BLOOD.

JW: YOU CAN'T. IT'S LYCANTHROPE-Y.

SH: Our love, it is forbidden. But clearly you are the only one who understands me.

JW: Hiding our identities, controlling the beast within, is it any wonder?

SH: This is so beautiful; it seems like something of a young adult novel. Stay with me forever, my love.

JW: FOREVER, SHERLOCK. FOREVER.

SH: AS LONG AS MY SEXY IMMORTAL HEART BEATS, IT WILL BEAT FOR YOU, JOHN WATSON.

JW: EVEN WHEN I'M ALL FUR AND TEETH AND CLAWS?

SH: ESPECIALLY THEN, YOU SEXY BEAST, YOU.

JW: *licks face* I LOVE YOU!

* * *

><p><strong>Alternate First Meeting:<strong>

SH: Oh, hello. Come here often?

JW: Yes, actually. I've never seen you before, though.

SH: Well, we should remedy that.

JW: Ooh, aren't you bold. What sort of work are you in, then?

SH: Consulting detective. Only one in the world.

JW: I suppose you invented it, am I right?

SH: Excellent deduction.

JW: Want to have a drink with me?

SH: If by drink you mean tea, then absolutely.

JW: You're quirky. I like that.

SH: You're not too boring yourself, stranger.

JW: Yes, well, thank you. Unfortunately, you're the only one who seems to thinks so. I've been trying to find a flatmate for months.

SH: Oh? I've been on the hunt for a flatmate myself, recently. A strapping young army doctor would work quite nicely.

JW: I never said anything about being an army doctor. Have we met before? I feel as if I have. Anyway, that's it? We've only just met and we're going to look at a flat together?

SH: Problem?

JW: We don't know much about each other. I don't know where we're meeting; I don't even know your name.

SH: The name's Sherlock Holmes and the address is 221B Baker Street.


End file.
